A joke for the day..........................

[Guest]

Okay..........here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.

Which one do you think is the blonde?

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Amazing, I did not see it before..

The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

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[Voltaire]

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft..:nana

[Voltaire]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they

Understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and

Gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,

And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN' DEAD..........'

[50mxe20]

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and

8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars

£1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day,

he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council

and get them to send a new parking attendant .... . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the

City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err . . .. no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who

had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at

Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just

over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

Now, that’s initiative!!

[Guest]

[Voltaire]

A picture speaks a thousand words Thiingame-bob!

[50mxe20]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions

to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent.

[Puss in Books]

http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/homepage/Ur...il/article.html

I liked the follow on spoof:

http://www.estatesgazette.com/blogs/proper...al-dispute.html

[50mxe20]

I treated it as a joke, nothing more, nothing less.

[swordfish805]

However, we do NOT run that risk when

drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification

process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Yorac - should I ever be fortunate enough to be invited to your house, please excuse me if I stick to beer - don't like the sound of boiled wine.....

[CoNFooZeD]

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England...

Something like this actually happened to me when I went to Vietnam. I bought a bus ticket in Hanoi airport terminal to go to the city. As I headed out of the terminal towards the bus there was a man standing at the door collecting the tickets, so of course I handed it to him as did everyone else. When I was on the bus waiting to leave the driver came around asking for our tickets. The guy at the door was nowhere to be seen.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Erasmus

[Keith_W]

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The Jackson Five

[50mxe20]

How to maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a

hair

dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run

for your lives! They're loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to

have

to let one of you go.'

And the final way to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

[50mxe20]

The scent of freshness:-

A new supermarket opened in Double Bay.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder

and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience

the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks

and bratwurst.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped

John Smith's beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and

the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked

bread & cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[ALTaBoy]

The scent of freshness:-

A new supermarket opened in Double Bay.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder

and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience

the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks

and bratwurst.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped

John Smith's beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and

the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked

bread & cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Don't go near the Dim Sims and Chico Rolls area either - I was shocked by some of the noises there!

[wolster]

The Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they

were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and

weird.

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.

You mean polio?' she asked.

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked 'What's wrong with

your knees?

They're all lumpy and deformed!'

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained..

You mean measles?' she asked.

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

Don't tell me,' she said.

Let me guess...

Smallcox?'

[Voltaire]

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

'I still call Australia home' he says to her.

She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.

'Obviously not with QANTAS'. He thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar!'

[Nude]

SOOOOOOOO True, Volly

[cableconnoisseur]

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

'I still call Australia home' he says to her.

She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.

'Obviously not with QANTAS'. He thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar!'

I could have sworn that a Qantas hostile , er hostie said this to me.

Once.

She's obviously been demoted to Jetstar since my complaint...........:nana.

[gone_bush]

Don't go near the Dim Sims and Chico Rolls area either - I was shocked by some of the noises there!

7 1/2 marks for the comment. Perfect 10 for the sig!!!

[Nigel]

Widowers Bill and Tom spend a lot of time together, almost inseparable.

One day Bill says that he is going on a holiday up north for 2 weeks.

Tom says “Great idea, I’m going on holiday down south. See you in 2 weeks”.

When they meet up again, Tom asks Bill “How was your holiday?”

Tom says “Oh it was marvellous, I found a grassy slope on a hill with a fresh creek running at the bottom. I set up my tent, lit a fire and watched the animals going down to the creek. Very relaxing, just whatthe doctor ordered. How was yours?”

Bill says “well it was great but nothing like yours. I went hiking in the mountains, climbed down a gorge and found a railway track. ‘WTF is that doing here?’ I thought so I followed it and very soon came across a woman tied up on the tracks. I heard a train coming so I ran and struggled with the ropes. Luckily I was able to free her just before the train went passed. It was a close thing and she was so thankful that we spent the next 2 weeks shagging, day and night until I was near exhaustion. It was amazing and made me feel young again.”

Tom asks “Wow, was she pretty?”

Bill replies “Oh I don’t know, I never went and looked for the head.”

[Voltaire]

Never Trust a Cricketer.

Come all ye fair young maidens and hearken unto me,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,

Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,

My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way,

He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!

And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap,

If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;

He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you, with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree,

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!

He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.

When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;

When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;

And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,

He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:

Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper girls, he's full of flair and dash;

And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;

Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator - is a nasty sort of bloke,

He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;

You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!

[wolster]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his be er, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

.

.

.

.

.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Nude]

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to

Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen

over. As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices

that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the

message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense

spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ....."our

investigation is over and I have three pieces of

news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We

spent $5 million dollars on the investigation

and have come to a successful result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne

Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." it’s Julia Gillard’s hand writing".

[Nude]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'