Nigel Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 An elderly couple having dinner over at their friends' place. After dinner the wives excuse themselves to the kitchen and the men sit talking. "Last week we went to a really nice restaurant. The food was excellent and the view over the harbour was breathtaking. You should take the wife and try it" "Where is it and what's it called?" "Well it's in the city and it's called... um...oh..what's it called ??...oh damn...it's the...Oh I know..what's the name of those flowers?" "Lilies?" " No the ones with the thorns" "Roses?" "That's it," he turns to the kitchen and yells out "Rose, what was the name of the restuaurant we went to last week?"
gat474 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 A bit of a read but very funny. From:Jeff Peters Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Membership Renewal Dear David This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon. All the best, Jeff Peters From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Membership Renewal Dear Jeff, Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Do I get free shipping with that? Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months. From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Hello David Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead. Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Go f$*k yourself. From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Dear Jeff I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try. Regards, David. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Ok. From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again? From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due The middle one.
wolster Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Bloody brilliant, David, er, I mean Gat, or is it David?
50mxe20 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Q. How do you confuse a Paranoid Schizophrenic?A. Tell her a Knock, Knock Joke .... How does one identify a dyslexic person. One looks for suspohc intead of chopsus!
50mxe20 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 S O M E T I MES Sometimes... when you cry.... no one sees your tears.. Sometimes... when you are in pain. no one sees your hurt. Sometimes.. when you are worried.. no one sees your stress Sometimes.. when you are happy.. no one sees your smile .. - But FART!!just ONE time... And everybody knows!! Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
gone_bush Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 But FART!!just ONE time... And everybody knows!! Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories! No, but I thought it might have something to do with a goat!
DrP Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 No, but I thought it might have something to do with a goat! You're kidding.
radioholic Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine.... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat. Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. that would be bloody right
gone_bush Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some any women. fixed! PS: No flowers, please make a donation to Misogynists Anonymous.
Guest obee Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? - I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50mxe20 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Irish Medical Terms Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - What doctors do when patients die Benign - What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan - Searching for Kitty Cauterize - Made eye contact with her Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark Dilate - To live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - Quicker than someone else Fibula - A small lie Impotent - Distinguished, well known Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane Morbid - A higher offer Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates Node - I knew it Outpatient - A person who has fainted Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative - A letter carrier Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery Rectum - Nearly killed him Secretion - Hiding something Seizure - Roman emperor Tablet - A small table Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport Tumour - One plus one more Urine - Opposite of you're out
emesbee Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Someone just sent me this joke but I don't understand it. I post it here in the hope that greater intellects than mine can make sense of it. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Praying for Leroy "Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!" 1
Ralph Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Someone just sent me this joke but I don't understand it. I post it here in the hope that greater intellects than mine can make sense of it. What "hearing" is he praying for ? (Aural or court ?) RalphH
emesbee Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 What "hearing" is he praying for ? (Aural or court ?)RalphH Doh! Don't quite get the blue streak reference though. 1
Nude Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I like this http://www.funvideoworld.com/video/1042/Buying-things-as-bank-robber
handy steel Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking in a playground. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Voltaire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Julia Gillard was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.' The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. 'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Julia Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. 'My God, what happened to you?' asks Julia The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.' 'What on earth did you say?' asks Julia 'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'
Voltaire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter"
nang3 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 "A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar.... and that's just the first guy!"
50mxe20 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Bricklayer's Accident Report. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award. The letter begins: Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
macca64 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 What do you call a guy at the door with not legs or arms? Matt.
gone_bush Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh. His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh. The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh. The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh. The grandfather from Yugoslavia , U Gogh. The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh. The cousin from Illinois , Chicah Gogh. His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh. His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh. The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh. The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh. The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh. The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh. The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh. His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh. And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
DrP Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 (edited) You forgot his dimwitted cousin from Spain... Dron Gogh and his German pilot training great uncle ... Touchn Gogh. Edited August 20, 2009 by DrP
50mxe20 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 What do you call a guy at the door with not legs or arms?Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on the side of a hill? Cliff What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Rustle What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in your mailbox Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully? Rocky What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana? Bud What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs? Sparky What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs? Wet What do you call a cat with no legs? Dogfood What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway. What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window? Curt n' Rod What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire? Bernie What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under? Doug What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under? Douglas What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso? Dick What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team? First base What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals? Stu What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a fence? Barb What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant? Tab What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium? Mike What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car? Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art anon
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