A joke for the day..........................

[Mr Smith]

An ignorant boss calls his computer help centre and barks something like my fu*&ing computer is not working. The poor gent who answers the call calmly asks back, what seems to be the problem. It's not working at all, damn it. He is asked, can you see any lights on the front or hear any noise coming the computer. NO! comes the reply. Sir, I would like you to check to see if the computer is plugged into the wall outlet and turned on as the cleaners may have accidently turned it off or inadvertently unplugged it. Can you see where it should be plugged into the wall socket? YES, sort of, as the power cables are under the desk. After hanging loose on a silent phone for a couple of minutes the reply the reply comes back saying ITS TOO BLOODY DARK TO SEE ANYTHING UNDER THE DESK. How come it is so dark was the return question. DON'T YOU KNOW WE HAD A POWER FAILURE 15 MINUTES AGO YOU DAMNED IDIOT!!!

thank god for ups's

[retro]

Well my lucks changed...

I've been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet.

She said she wanted to meet up with me and arranged to come to my house.

Anyway, when it came down to it she must have got cold feet.

She txt me to meet at a pub in town instead, but she never showed.

I sat there for hours waiting. [bloody females]

Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I'd been burgled.

[Dread]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible w ay!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

[Nude]

FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[DrP]

So anyway, you may not know it, but my brother and I are amatuer astronomers. This week it turns out the club had made a pretty good score and managed to get in a well known astronomy identity to talk about comets, meteors and what have you. There was a pretty big crowd (as you can imagine) and they were all patiently waiting for the key speaker to arrive. Wait, wait wait and no show. Eventually my brother jumped into his car and drove down to the airport to see what the go was. No problem, just a late flight so he gave the chap a lift to the club house.

In walks a smartly dressed man and everyone stands and gives him a rousing round of applause.

No no, I say. That's not him. But on went the applause, so eventually I went up to the podium grabbed the microphone and said...

"He ain't Levy, he's my brother"

_{*If you want to prevent this quality of joke appearing again please send $50 to DrP c/o dtvforums.info.}

[Nude]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,

'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[4heckssake]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky, age 10

[Nude]

[attach]9778[/attach]

______________________________

[Guest]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She

hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

[retro]

Took the mother in law out yesterday...

One punch and she went straight down... ;-)

[radioholic]

Took the mother in law out yesterday...

One punch and she went straight down... ;-)

ough! lol

do you do sister-in-laws?

[digitalj]

Gerry Harvey was just on TV and he said Harvey Norman has Great products and great prizes.

Harvey Norman has great prizes? Yeah right!!!

:lol: :lol:

[hybridfiat]

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[50mxe20]

Ahkmed the Arab went to the United States from the Middle East, and he was

only there a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after

doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bucket, go into de

odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down

over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the ?bucket,

peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten ?minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was

wrong with me?'

The doctor said ..... 'You were homesick!

[comfortablynumb]

The following is a limerick that I heard at a Rodney Rude show.It has stuck in my mind ever since.It's rather rude so if it is deleted,ask and I will PM it to you

[cableconnoisseur]

[attach]9778[/attach]

______________________________

Tim,

That's your best one yet.

I'm still cracking up .

Russ.

[Nigel]

, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Nude,

I could have sworn "a little head" was gonna be in the punch.

[retro]

Well today, I decided that I want to be a Ninja. [this is true]

So I Googled "Ninja School" to see where I can be professionally trained in the art.

I followed a link that said Ninja School, and it came up 'this page cannot be found'

Well played Ninja School.

[Nude]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you

know what your ******* is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom..........

[swordfish805]

A man walks into a pub with a full-grown emu behind him. The barmaid asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'a schooner of James Squire's Amber Ale, thanks' and turns to the emu, 'What'll you have?'

'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the bar maid returns with their beers, 'That'll be $9.90 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and the man says, 'a James Squire Amber Ale thanks'. The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This carries on for several evenings until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the barmaid.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a schooner of redback and the fish and chips' says the man.

'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the barmaid brings the order and says, 'That will be $28.60.' Yet again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and hands it over the bar.

The barmaid cannot restrain her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the shed out and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would

always be there....'

'That's brilliant!' said the barmaid. 'Most people would ask for a million bucks, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Ferrari, the exact money is always there,' said the man.

The barmaid asks, 'Then what's with the emu?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Nude]

Are you ready to see a man just seconds before his death?

[ATTACH]10056[/ATTACH]

[mello yello]

_{*If you want to prevent this quality of joke appearing again please send $50 to DrP c/o dtvforums.info.}

heres $100 Doc ..split it with Lyle

_{* actually I quite liked it}

Edited September 14, 2009 by mello yello II

[mello yello]

The doctor said ..... 'You were homesick!

Perth boy was he ?

he had a cousin Akhme ...but he died right ?

[50mxe20]

God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving that was going on.

So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth;.... 95% are

misbehaving,... and only 5% are not'..

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I should send down another angel,

to get a second opinion'!

So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is

in decline;... 95% are misbehaving,... but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail, the 5% who were good,...because,

he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to

help them keep going !

Do you know what the e-mail said ?

No ?

Okay, just checking with you.

I didn't get one either ...

[50mxe20]

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.