cableconnoisseur Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot..":thumb:
cableconnoisseur Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
dirty Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Lifesavers The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red......................Cherry Yellow..................Lemon Green..................Lime Orange ...................Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a r s e-holes!
dirty Posted September 27, 2011 Posted September 27, 2011 A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to beconfronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes ofyour time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-poweredvacuum cleaners... ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' andshe proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed itwide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Batty Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 3 Essex girls out walking one day, they come across some tracks on the ground. They're fox tracks says the 1st, no more like cat tracks chimes in the 2nd, hmm, seem like dog tracks to me says the 3rd. As they are arguing over what the tracks may be they are run over by a train. 1
Nigel Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Batty ! I thought i could rely on you for a good joke. Are you ok? Hope you're not sleeping in the park with a flagon under your arm. Come inside, take off those rags and have a shower, I'll give you a shave and a haircut and you can wear some of my old clothes. How long have you been out of work and stay away from my drinks cupboard....
Batty Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks Nigel, I need a shower, but no stealing my rags while Im not looking. That's not a flagon, it's my pillow mate. As fer drinks, I'm off the turps and onto petrol sniffing now, nicer aroma. since when has a cardboard box been considered a cupboard..... 1
Batty Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 It's all relative Dirty, depends where you get the fumes from. It's a bit dangerous hanging around Servos. 1
Rockford Posted September 28, 2011 Posted September 28, 2011 You can afford petrol? RICH I say.dirty. Cheaper than bottled water...
DIYer Straits Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 hehe, I think that's the censored version. It shouldn't be nuts... it should be sh!t. ;D ;D ;D Duly amended. ;D
DIYer Straits Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 More stuff from FB wall posts: A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?" "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist.. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies:..... "Didn't feel a thing." --------------------------------------------------------- Obama wakes up one night, there is George Washington's ghost! He says, " George how can I help this country?" Washington replies, "Be honest with the people like I was!" Obama goes back to sleep and awakes again. This time it's Thomas Jefferson's ghost! He says "Tom how can I help this country?" Jefferson says, "Love the constitution like I did!" Waking up again there is Abe Lincoln's ghost, he says "Abe how can I help this country?" Abe replies, "Go see a play." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Two Statues Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each others naked bodies. One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes. The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says "Should we?" to which the man replies "Yes". They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on. The angel gives a smile as she knows what they are up to. After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces. The angel says to them "You still have fifteen minutes left" So the man says to the woman "Want to do it again?" and the woman replies "Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i crap on it."
radioholic Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 joke I got off Brian Mannix facebook page... My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch."
dsj1188 Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Or this one as well A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me." Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV." Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
dirty Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 The Irish wrestler A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
dirty Posted September 29, 2011 Posted September 29, 2011 An oldy but a goodie. The Defective Parrot. A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
gone_bush Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Red Neck Etiquette In General 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral. Eating Out 1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining at Home 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. Theatre/Cinema Etiquette 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Guest Willow Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 The Missionary A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty , and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives , when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest , he points to a tree and says to the chief , " This is a tree " , the chief looks at the tree and grunts , " tree ". The Priest is pleased with the response , they walk a little further and he points to a rock and says , " This is a rock " , hearing this , the chief looks and grunts , " rock ". The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results at this stage when he hears a rustling in the bushes , as they both peek over the top , they see a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity , the Priest is really flustered and quickly responds , " Man riding a bike " , the chief looks at the couple briefly , pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe to be civilised and be kind to each other , so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way ? The chief replies , " My bike ". Enjoy your day and remember , keep off the road when riding somebody else's bike.
Dork(original) Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Collingwood EtiquetteIn General 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview... 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral. Eating Out 1 When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. Entertaining at Home 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery. Theatre/Cinema Etiquette 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. Fixed meow. Paul.
wizardofoz Posted October 2, 2011 Posted October 2, 2011 Tha Rastaman one goes... Then the man drops his underwear and on his thingy he has a tattoo that says . The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have girlfriend/wife called Wendy!" The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!.... In a minute it will say "Welcome to Jamaica - Have a nice day"
kelso1624705851 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Don't you just hate people who turns out to an exit at the last minute, across three lanes ... http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150335826257866#embed ... got a chuckle
dsj1188 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I laughed till I had tears in my eyes http://www.wimp.com/hilariousdan/
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