Gee Emm Posted October 17, 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 My favourite joke at the moment - Why does Noddy wear a red hat with a bell on it? Because he's a c*nt. I laughed out loud! People stared; I kept laughing. Their loss! Graham
dirty Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) The Indian With One ******** There once was an Indian who had only one ******** and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on.. take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows.. You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!! Edited October 19, 2011 by dirty
dirty Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 DIVORCE VS. MURDER A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
valvelover Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 This one came from my cousin: > Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.> > The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating > table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' > > The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! > Everything inside them is colour-coded.' > > The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; > everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' > > The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. > Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at > the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' > > But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all > wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no > heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two > moving parts - the mouth and the ar$ehole - and they are interchangeable' >
Guest Willow Posted October 21, 2011 Posted October 21, 2011 A Tap on the Shoulder Greg & Tracey were in the final hours of their London holiday when it dawned on them they had still to take a spin in one of London's iconic cabs , they decided it would be the mode of transport to the airport before their long flight home. The service attendant at the hotel obliged by putting through a call and almost immediately a little black cab pulled up to the hotel entry , Greg and Tracey both hopped into the back pleased they had now savoured all of the cities forms of transport , Double Deckers , Tube , etc. After travelling several kilometers Greg leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention , the driver screamed , lost control of the cab , nearly hit a bus , drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches before a large store-front window. For a few moments there was total silence in the cab , then the shaking driver said , " Are you OK ? , I'm so sorry , but you scared the daylights out of me ". Tracey was still in shock at this point , and Greg , badly shaken apologised to the driver and said , " No , it's me who should be sorry , I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly ". The driver replied , " No , no , it's entirely my fault , today is my very first day driving a cab , I've been driving a herse for 25 years.
dirty Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 'Circumcised' (this is priceless!) A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.
dirty Posted October 24, 2011 Posted October 24, 2011 GHOST SEX A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied rolling his head, "Oooh my Goodness, from back there I thought you said "Goat."
Veefy Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 Spotted on a noticeboard in an Army base in Afghanistan: Saddam Hussein. Check. Osama Bin Laden. Check. Colonel Gadaffi. Check. Justin Beiber. Work in progress....
wolster Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?' 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I golf.'
Guest Willow Posted October 26, 2011 Posted October 26, 2011 The Sensitive Man The room was full of pregnant women with their partners , the class was in full swing and the instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said , " Ladies , remember that exercise is good for you , walking is especially beneficial , it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier , just take several stops along the way and stay on a soft surface like grass ". She then looked at the men in the room , " And gentlemen , remember , you're in this together... it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her ". The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information , then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. " Yes " , answered the instructor. " I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk ? ". This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.
DIYer Straits Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 More from Facebook: A Bricklayer’s Accident Report... Dear Sir, In response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Then my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Kind Regards, XXXXXX
wizardofoz Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 The Bricklayer is classed as a Darwin Award Urban legend IIRC from a long time back... but a classic... kak myself everytime I read it so badly so that I dont read it anymore. ???
cableconnoisseur Posted October 28, 2011 Posted October 28, 2011 Confucius SayingTo: Why..... Why..... Why..... ??? Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a ****. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come? Man replies: It's very simple. Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different locks,we call it a master key!'.
wizardofoz Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 From a Teacher - short and to the point: In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalisation. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everyone clear on that?
wizardofoz Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!
Quest88 Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 interesting way of spinning the old tale.. :)
cableconnoisseur Posted October 30, 2011 Posted October 30, 2011 An oldie, but a goodie: *Two Woodpeckers* So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely, ahem 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat... Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".
wolster Posted October 31, 2011 Posted October 31, 2011 Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
Guest Willow Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 and GOD replied... A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital , while on the operating table she had a near death experience , seeing God she asked , " Is my time up ? ". God said , " No , you have another 43 years , 2 months and 8 days to live ". Upon recovery , the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift , liposuction , breast implants and a tummy tuck , she even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth , since she had so much time to live , she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last treatment she was released from the hospital , while crossing the street on her way home , she was struck and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God , she demanded , " I thought you said I had another 43 years , why didn't you pull me from the path of that ambulance ? ". God replied , " I didn't fcukin' recognise you !! ".
sjay Posted November 2, 2011 Posted November 2, 2011 and GOD replied...A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital , while on the operating table she had a near death experience , seeing God she asked , " Is my time up ? ". God said , " No , you have another 43 years , 2 months and 8 days to live ". Upon recovery , the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift , liposuction , breast implants and a tummy tuck , she even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth , since she had so much time to live , she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last treatment she was released from the hospital , while crossing the street on her way home , she was struck and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God , she demanded , " I thought you said I had another 43 years , why didn't you pull me from the path of that ambulance ? ". God replied , " I didn't fcukin' recognise you !! ". bwahahaha, love it!
Willco Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Yes well they hired a Skywriter for Clint Eastwoods Birthday The Pilot sorta got it mixed up! W
Stump Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 If 3 people having sex is a Threesome! And 2 people having sex is a twosome! I now know why they call you "Handsome"... 1
MKSOUND_HT Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 If 3 people having sex is a Threesome!And 2 people having sex is a twosome! I now know why they call you "Handsome"... And to think they were complementing me on my "good" looks haha. Ah life is tough... Awesome jokes though. That skywriting one is hilarious
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