A joke for the day..........................

[(ツ)]

Can't have been Abbott either... he would've turned Friday, Saturday and Sunday into a Monday...

[oztheatre]

When I was your age....

I was your age.

[valvelover]

Classic, Dave.

:-) This actually had our whole office in tears yesterday. Bloody awesome if you ask me.

Dave

[peterpan]

http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/archives/17251-Theres-A-Card-Trick-In-There-Somewhere.-Lets-Smoke-It-Out.html

smoking hot card trick?

[dirty]

http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/archives/17251-Theres-A-Card-Trick-In-There-Somewhere.-Lets-Smoke-It-Out.html

smoking hot card trick?

Excellent.

dirty.

[dsj88]

One from Singapore and the other from Australia

 

 

Who Employs These Idiots…A True Story

 

FROM SINGAPORE

A man living in the Geylang area-Singapore received a bill from the PUB

in March for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill

and threw that one away too. The following month the PUB sent

him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas

line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error

and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that

it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring

that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this

ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the PUB  who apologized for the computer error once

again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a

bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that

having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another

mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as

their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he

had 10 days to pay his account or the PUB would have to take steps

to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the  PUB at their

own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly

processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he

now owed the PUB  nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Geylang Branch  of the  “………….Bank called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing

writing check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager

replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing

software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks

they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the

check for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the PUB

claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $ 0.00

and unless he sent a check by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against

the PUB.  It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks

at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently

helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered

substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Singapore and the outcome was this:

The  PUB was ordered to:

 

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show

Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a

higher court for consideration under Company Law.

 

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

 

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the …………Bank clients

whose checks had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

 

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

 

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period

 

March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

 

And all this over $0.00

 

This story can also be viewed on the Magistrate Court’s website  - Who employs these idiots?

 

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do.

 

FROM AUSTRALIA

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.

 

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

 

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated, - and let loose again.

 

Therefore the dingo population would be controlled.

 

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep Farmers Association.

 

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. 

 

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem,-

 

-  'those dingo's ain't f*cking our sheep, -  they're eatin' 'em.'

 

 

 

[armoury]

"Cute" story about the PUB, but probably not true.  I've read the same story before, at least up to the part of paying the $0.00 bill by writing a cheque for $0.00, elsewhere.  The latter part, relating to the lawsuit, couldn't be true since the clerks in the courthouse (and nobody calls it the "courthouse" in Singapore, that's an American term) would not assist in "drafting statements" which are "substantive evidence", and the magistrate's court would not issue an order to PUB saying it could refer the matter to "a higher court for consideration" -- it wouldn't be necessary, you either comply with the order or you are in contempt of court.

 

But funny story, nonetheless.

[silencer13]

Yup, funny story but doubt it's true.

Has anyone every won a lawsuit against a GLC? Any Singaporean who sees that line would have doubts already.  ;D ;D ;D

[Pingu1624705792]

happens often enough, actually. Even against the government... Depends on the nature of the lawsuit.. and the merits of the case.

 

and I thought PUB disappeared before the age of computers... ;) ;D

[comfortablynumb]

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Lil Caesar]

gotta love a man who does EXACTLY what he is told ;)

[cableconnoisseur]

gotta love a man who does EXACTLY what he is told ;)

Surely y'mean EGGSactly.............

[Zaphod Beeblebrox]

I apologise if this has already been posted. It is a bogus letter that has been circulating since 1994. Every time I read it, I chuckle.

From: rowehe@lp.musc.edu

Date: Thu, 24 Feb 1994 12:55:10 EST

Subject: Concerning your recent submission

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled

"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid

skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed

examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your

theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of

Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it

appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of

the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to

be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great

deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be

quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior

work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your

findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical

attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to

it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains

are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9

cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest

identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more

consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the

"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the

wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one

of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your

history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh

rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,

let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll

that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your

request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due

to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and

partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of

recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie

dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely

to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny

your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's

Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen

the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking

personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of

your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the

species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound

like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this

fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a

hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example

of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so

effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a

special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens

you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire

staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your

digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We

eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you

proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the

Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing

you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating

fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes

the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently

discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears

Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

[dirty]

I was in the pub the other day and I pointed to two old drunks sitting

across the bar, and I said to my mate - "That's us in 10 years".

He said " That's a mirror, ****head "!

dirty.

[gone_bush]

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[sjay]

happy selma day

[ayou2]

God decides its time for his Millenial holiday. He pops down to the pub to get a few ideas off his super being mates.

"why don't you go see a bit of Pluto God ?"

"Nah ... went there about 4000 years ago! Place is freezing and all that methane smells pretty bad"

"how about checking out Pluto God ?"

"Nah ... I went there about 3000 years ago ... So many electrical storms, obviously I don't have to worry about dieing but it still hurts if you get hit by one"

"What about Earth God ?"

"oh no way ... I was there about 2000 years ago, I met this Jewish bird, she got pregnant ... caused a right old stink. They're still talking about it !! "

Edited March 23, 2012 by ayou2

[wizardofoz]

Cokkies anyone....from stutterPpperidge Farm

 

[gone_bush]

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Sh!t ... is it midnight already?'

[wizardofoz]

[embed=425,349]<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqRn81WFUr4?version=3&feature=player_popout"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqRn81WFUr4?version=3&feature=player_popout" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="360"></object>[/embed]

[Ralph]

Need I say anything ?

[wolster]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'

and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,

"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and

repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.

"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,

"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin' clock!"

Edited April 2, 2012 by wolster

[wolster]

A Russian woman married a Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you

Thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

Now get back to work !

I worry about you

Sometimes!

[gone_bush]

A bloke sat in the armchair shouts to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you my love!"

She shouts back "You already do you lazy bastard!!"

[ssgp2]

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD