Gee Emm Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 There's a couple of beauties in there. I thought No 3 should be Atheism is not for prophet organisation
ssgp2 Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 (edited) I don't enjoy computer jokes; not one bit. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. Velcro — what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. Edited April 6, 2012 by ssgp2 1
Volunteer sir sanders zingmore Posted April 6, 2012 Volunteer Posted April 6, 2012 An oldie for the geeks amongst us: There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary and those that don't. 1
caddisgeek Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 Three types of people, those who are good at maths, and those that are not
robin-hobart Posted April 6, 2012 Posted April 6, 2012 There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary and those that don't. I like this! Short jokes are always the best. But a difficult gag to tell anybody - yes/no? 1
Stump Posted April 8, 2012 Posted April 8, 2012 Why is a duck when he comes? Because the higher he gets the much. 1
cableconnoisseur Posted April 12, 2012 Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) A smile to get your Friday the 13th off to a great start !! Edited April 12, 2012 by cableconnoisseur
Nigel Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 I was at the Byron Bluesfest last weekend. Told anyone and everyone who was unfortunate enough to come near me...a very pertinent kids' joke. What do you call the wife of a hippy ? .......................missus hippy. smiles by the dozens.
Gee Emm Posted April 13, 2012 Posted April 13, 2012 Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear. Nigel. Just stop it.
Guest Willow Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 How to be Gracious Jennifers's wedding day was fast approaching and nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear , and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever , a week later , Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new , young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her father's new young wife that it would be a good idea to exchange it , but she refused , " Absolutely not !! , I look a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it " , she said. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said , " Never mind sweetheart , I'll get another dress , after all , it's your special day ". A few days later , they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother , when they stopped for lunch , Jennifer asked her mother , " Aren't you going to return the other dress , you really don't have another occasion where you could wear it ? ". Jennifer's mother just smiled and replied , " Of course I do dear , ... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding ".
Willco Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 Well don't believe everything you see! W https://www.yousendi...5RkVUME81eDhUQw
Makka Posted April 14, 2012 Posted April 14, 2012 I was at the Byron Bluesfest last weekend. Told anyone and everyone who was unfortunate enough to come near me...a very pertinent kids' joke. What do you call the wife of a hippy ? .......................missus hippy. smiles by the dozens. Very rare dry bluesfest this year. Great line-up for us oldies too. Too bad it was so expensive. I live here but didn't go.
sjay Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Sony's useless piece of crap http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9pyhT3nE9Y
Nigel Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 Very rare dry bluesfest this year. Great line-up for us oldies too. Too bad it was so expensive. I live here but didn't go. Hi Makka, I thought Byron was perfect. It had been 30 yrs since last there and although there is a lot more cncrete and glass, it still has the surfiy/hippy feel about it. The weather was perfect, which is highly unusual apparently, the surf was warm, the food in the clark beach cafe was excellent. Seems like a great place to live although there is a fair bit of unemployment which can creat eproblems.
gone_bush Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 This is the Dr everyone should listen to!! Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians... 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
gone_bush Posted April 15, 2012 Posted April 15, 2012 What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
robin-hobart Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) After 30+ years of marriage, I believe these 4 frames capture the essence of long term male-female relationships perfectly. Edited April 18, 2012 by robin-hobart 1
Super Mustud Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 An oldie for the geeks amongst us: There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary and those that don't. I will give you 11 out of 11 for that.
Makka Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Most of the real hippies have dissappeared up into the surrounding hills. In Byron it's heading towards Airlie Beachness pretty quick. All the "hippies" there are either wannabbee backpackers or rich people pretending. The rich have been moving in for decades trying to buy something with their money that it has already driven away. None of us can afford Byron any more. We keep moving further and further away as the rich farkers put the rents up. It's a good holiday destination though. As long as you don't mind the twenty minute traffic jam every time you want to drive in!
dirty Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) AN IRISH LOVE STORY An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon. “Bugger off, she said, “they're for the funeral.†Edited April 19, 2012 by dirty
wizardofoz Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 At the end of Idol tonight...RS will not be happy :P
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