gone_bush Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 After a busy day commuters settled down on their train trip home, when a bloke hauled out his mobile and loudly started up: "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that girl, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc. This was still going on after many minutes, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that phone off and come back to bed!"
Aloysius Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut? sweet! :hyper:
Aloysius Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the housewith his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mum comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge - A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!" You're laughing aren't you ...I know you are!!! I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!
swordfish805 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Waste of bandwidth to cut and paste that one Aloy.
dsj88 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 "Cute" story about the PUB, but probably not true. I've read the same story before, at least up to the part of paying the $0.00 bill by writing a cheque for $0.00, elsewhere. The latter part, relating to the lawsuit, couldn't be true since the clerks in the courthouse (and nobody calls it the "courthouse" in Singapore, that's an American term) would not assist in "drafting statements" which are "substantive evidence", and the magistrate's court would not issue an order to PUB saying it could refer the matter to "a higher court for consideration" -- it wouldn't be necessary, you either comply with the order or you are in contempt of court. But funny story, nonetheless. It does happen. Never underestimate the stupidity of govt bodies! From the ST today When retiree Steven Ooi opened a letter last Saturday asking him to pay his property tax, he was stunned to discover that the amount he owed was one cent. The letter was sent to him by the Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore (Iras). It added: Pay up or there would be a 5 per cent penalty fee. Mr Ooi, 75, was baffled, but he shrugged and paid up. That same day, he wrote out a cheque for one cent and sent it to the tax authority. He said he mailed the cheque because he was curious to know what would happen next.
armoury Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 It does happen. Never underestimate the stupidity of govt bodies! From the ST today When retiree Steven Ooi opened a letter last Saturday asking him to pay his property tax, he was stunned to discover that the amount he owed was one cent. The letter was sent to him by the Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore (Iras). It added: Pay up or there would be a 5 per cent penalty fee. Mr Ooi, 75, was baffled, but he shrugged and paid up. That same day, he wrote out a cheque for one cent and sent it to the tax authority. He said he mailed the cheque because he was curious to know what would happen next. That's the kicker: he's already paid up. The initial 'demand' was just a form letter, where the computer can't distinguish between $0.01 outstanding and $1,000.00 outstanding. What would have been interesting is if he'd called IRAS to ask, "now what?", which he didn't, he just paid up. Even if he just ignored it and the next was another standard-form demand, or worse a summons, I suspect that once he'd flagged the matter to an actual human being, the matter would have been dropped.
agelessgoodguy Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
cableconnoisseur Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 An oldie worth recycling: A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist was shocked. He exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." 2
cableconnoisseur Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) Cute, CC.... Yeah, Nige.......... I thought this place needed some clean humour for a change........... I've got plenty of politically incorrect stuff lying around in my email accounts........best served for another time/place me thinks. Edited April 27, 2012 by cableconnoisseur
wolster Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. 4
DaveMS Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 A woman says to her husband "You always push me around and talk behind my back". Her husband replies "What do you expect? You are in a wheelchair". 1
Two Flies Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, Here I am. Excellent
wolster Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussi cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" Edited April 28, 2012 by wolster 1
cableconnoisseur Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 (edited) A quickie, if I may : Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.. She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!" Edited April 28, 2012 by cableconnoisseur
Willco Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Harry asked Prince Charles- "How will I know when I've met the right woman"? "Easy my boy-- your wife will hate her!" W
Ralph Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) Here we go: Early one day after the death of Princess Di, Prince Charles was out exercising the corgis. An aide said : "Morning..." He replied : "No, just walking the dogs" Edited April 29, 2012 by Ralph
wolster Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 mins later: "computer completely fuc#ed now." 2
wolster Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence.... and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir?' More silence and another minute later Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?' This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street. (with apologies to those of Irish descent, who are welcome to respond with an Aussie joke :-) Edited May 1, 2012 by wolster
cableconnoisseur Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Apologies if posted previously. That's a Bose 901 in that pic...........
cableconnoisseur Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) A Geordie and an American aid worker are helping out in Japan after the tsunami. American says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, " Newcastle." "What State's that in?" asks the Yank "Pretty much the same as this place!" Edited May 1, 2012 by cableconnoisseur
wolster Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's Supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
Recommended Posts