cableconnoisseur Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 A clergyman checks into a motel and says to the hotel clerk " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled " "No" she responds; " It's just regular porn you sick b@st@rd " 1
cableconnoisseur Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 cc you is on fire! Speaking of which: My friend, Nigel is flogging a few 50" Plasma TV's. He only wants $100 each. The only catch is the volume control doesn't work.............. At that price you really can't turn 'em down............ 1
lebowski Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 A clergyman checks into a motel and says to the hotel clerk " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled ""No" she responds; " It's just regular porn you sick b@st@rd " LOL and lol, that's funny
cableconnoisseur Posted May 19, 2012 Posted May 19, 2012 I met a 14-year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and very sexxxy; so I suggested we meet in person. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age ? 2
gone_bush Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Truths for Mature Humans I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Don't know about this one - it's never happened to me!) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. There is great need for a sarcasm font. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Was learning cursive really necessary? Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. Bad decisions make good stories. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their mobile phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
wolster Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Not PC... Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. 1
progladyte Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Not PC... Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. 1
ayou2 Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) An old couple are at church and the bloke leans over to his wife and says " I've just let off the worst smelling, silent fart ... what should I do ?" His wife says "remind me to get you a new hearing aid battery on the way home dear" Edited May 22, 2012 by ayou2
DrP Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." ... ... And that's when the fight started.....
oztheatre Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Lotto odds are a good joke! http://www.scottware...ickets/odds.htm Winning Powerball (Australian lotto draw) 27,489,577 Winning Oz Lotto (Australian lotto draw) 8,145,060 Winning Tattslotto (Australian lotto draw) 2,036,265 Killed by lightning 1,603,250 Winning Six from 38 pools 1,380,340 Dying from venomous bite/sting 1,159,364 Being murdered (female) 79,365 Being blackmailed 52,632 Being murdered (male) 45,249 Being Kidnapped 33,223 Having malaria 21,739 Being in prison (female) 6757 Trifecta (13-horse race) 1716 Being in prison (male) 396 Having car stolen 142 Roulette number coming up 37 Five successive tosses in two-up 32 Pulling an ace out of a deck of cards 13 Rolling a 7 or 11 in craps 4.5 Dying from heart disease 4.0 Scratch Tickets 3.0 - 6.0 Household with couple and no children 3.0 Australian living in Melbourne or Sydney 2.6 Marriage ending in divorce 2.3 Married couple aged within two years of each other 2.2 Bride being older than 26 at first wedding 2.0
gone_bush Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 To put this into perspective: Saturday's Lotto (whatever it's called) - 8,145,059 : 1 Tossing 23 heads in a row with a fair coin - 8,388,607 : 1 So go grab you coin and start tossing. When you finally toss 23 heads (or tails) in a row is about when you would win Lotto. But, you only get to toss the coin once a week. I wish you good luck and a long, long life - you'll need it!
oztheatre Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 To put this into perspective: Saturday's Lotto (whatever it's called) - 8,145,059 : 1 Tossing 23 heads in a row with a fair coin - 8,388,607 : 1 So go grab you coin and start tossing. When you finally toss 23 heads (or tails) in a row is about when you would win Lotto. But, you only get to toss the coin once a week. I wish you good luck and a long, long life - you'll need it! Oz lotto's even worse, 7 numbers from 45, something like 54 million to 1. Dont know why anyone bothers with that one. At least with keno you can lose your money every minute.
gone_bush Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 If Oz Lotto is 7 from 45 then the odds are 45,379,619 : 1. The calculation for first division is easy. In this case its 45 * 44 * 43 * 42 * 41 * 40 * 39 / (7 * 6 * 5 * 4 * 3 * 2 * 1) For those that know a little mathematics its 45C7. For Saturday's draw it's 45C6. 45 * 44 * 43 * 42 * 41 * 40 / (6 * 5 * 4 * 3 * 2 * 1) The calculation for the other divisions is a little more complex.
mello yello Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 are there any actual sales figures published as to how much revenue they draw each week to give away 20 million dollars when theres not even enough money in the state kitties to fix a pothole is the joke on us ?
swordfish805 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Not for nothing that the state governments refer to the various forms of Lotto, lotteries and scratchies as a "tax on stupidity".
mello yello Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 is there a rebate available for non buyers ? breaking even I guess
dirty Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) A bloke in a Geelong supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The bloke persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager 'Some bloody idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he added, ' And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the bloke went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here - Where are you from, son? 'Collingwood sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Collingwood?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and footy players there.' 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Collingwood.' 'You're kidding?' replied the boy. ' What position did she play?' Edited May 22, 2012 by dirty 2
Rockford Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 An old couple are at church and the bloke leans over to his wife and says " I've just let off the worst smelling, silent fart ... what should I do ?" His wife says "remind me to get a new hearing aid battery on the way home dear" Shouldn't it be "remind me to get you new hearing aid battery on the way home dear" in that it wasn't really silent, and ummm.... 1
comfortablynumb Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Bloke comes home from work one day and says to his wife "I've just been promoted. This means I get my own office and a private secretary." Wife replies "The secretary had better be old,fat and ugly. I wouldn't want you to hire someone you would be tempted to have sex with!" "Fair enough" the man replies "When can you start?" 2
wolster Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Two ladies playing golf. One says to the other "I heard that lions have sex four times a night". The other responds "Thank god my hubby is in Rotary".
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