A joke for the day..........................

[joz]

Keep'em coming, I need the laffs!

[comfortablynumb]

Man and wife are out on the town. They decide to go to a strip club.

"G'day Joe" says the doorman.

Wife raises an eyebrow. "The doorman is a groundsman at the footy club" explains Joe.

They enter the strip club and approach the bar "G'day Joe. The usual?" asks the barman.

Wife raises both eyebrows " He is a barman at the footy club" Joe mumbles.

The drinks arrive and a stripper approaches "G'day Joe. The usual?" asks the stripper.

With that the wife spits the dummy well and truly, drags Joe outside and hails the first cab she can see.

Cabbie looks out the window and say " Jeez Joe, you sure picked up an ugly one tonight !"

[Gee Emm]

A widow & widower are at a restaurant planning their upcoming wedding.

The widower says "we haven't touched on the subject of sex."

The widow responds "I prefer it infrequently."

The widower sits quietly for a moment , then leans forward and asks "is that one word, or two?"

[progladyte]

A nun is doing a crossword puzzle with 3 of the fellow sisters at the Nunnery when she stops and asks:

"What's a four letter word ending in U - N - T and means a woman?"

AUNT says one of the sisters.

"POO, BUM, WEE!" says the nun, Can someone pass me a rubber?

[progladyte]

Why is the game of GOLF called GOLF?

Because all of the other 4 letter swear words were already taken.

[wolster]

The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

[digitalhome]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Edited May 26, 2012 by digitalhome

[ayou2]

A new camera has been developed with a shutter speed so fast, you can get a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

[wolster]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Two Flies]

A clergyman checks into a motel and says to the hotel clerk " I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled "

"No" she responds; " It's just regular porn you sick b@st@rd "

ha ha ha

[swordfish805]

Overheard this joke being told by a medium:

Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to the other side! (woooooh)

[mello yello]

never heard that one,

must be a Medium rare

LoL

this ones been well done...

I was by a steakhouse the other night. I sat down and the waiter came over and took my order of a steak.

“Make that well done, please,” I instructed.

When he brought me the steak and it was rare I called him over and asked,

“Whats going on? I said well done!”

He replied,

“Oh, thank you sir! I hardly ever get a compliment!!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE&feature=related

[wolster]

Edited May 29, 2012 by wolster

[Dustin]

Natural Selection Research:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest one that is killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why we always feel smarter after a few beers.

[Guest Willow]

36 - Have been accused of spouse abuse

7 - Have been arrested for fraud

19 - Have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 - Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses

3 - Have done time for assault

71 - Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit history

14 - Have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 - Have been arrested for shoplifting

21 - Currently are defendants in lawsuits

84 - Have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organisation this is , NRL or AFL ?

Neither ,

it's the 535 members of the Australian Parliament , the same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year , designed to keep you in line.

[progladyte]

Jeez Wol, You made me wet myself after schpilling my toaft

That was a cracker! Never even heard of the guy before now!

[ZEN MISTER]

Everyonsh knows you only crap in the carburesher once a month!!!!!

ZM.

[Nigel]

Cute, thanks Wol

[ayou2]

This guy wins everything, forever.

[robin-hobart]

Ray of death.......

[progladyte]

[progladyte]

[progladyte]

[progladyte]

[progladyte]