swordfish805 Posted May 31, 2012 Posted May 31, 2012 Here's another old one: Some workers in Dublin were repairng some pot holes just down the road from a house of ill-repute. While they were working, the local rabbi came down the street, looked furtively about him and ducked into said house. "Begorrah!" exclaimed Paddy as he rested on his shovel, "did ye no see that Seamus? a man of the cloth in a bordello!" A few minutes later the local protestant vicar scurried down the road and entered the same door. "I gets worse!" Seamus said to Paddy, "another man of God engaging in such practice". An hour later Father O'Flahrety, the local cathoic priest, entered the same establishment. "Ahh, said Paddy, I guess one of the girls must have taken quite ill!"
cableconnoisseur Posted June 2, 2012 Posted June 2, 2012 Facebook Friends......................who needs 'em ?
gone_bush Posted June 8, 2012 Posted June 8, 2012 Quotables The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... W. C. Fields Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Willco Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter. Dear Maggie, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Chris P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
cableconnoisseur Posted June 10, 2012 Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) Long Weekend Humour I have always wanted to learn Chinese quickly..............found a method: Edited June 10, 2012 by cableconnoisseur
wolster Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Two guys are about to start a game of golf when they are approached by a stranger who asks if he can join them, rather than play alone. They agree and off they set. During conversation, they ask the stranger what he does for a living. "I'm a hit man", he replies. "You are kidding us!" they respond. To prove his point, the stranger removes a high-powered rifle from his golf bag, complete with telescopic sight. "Wow!" says one of the guys. "Would you mind if I have a look?". The hit man passes him the rifle and he brings it up to his shoulder. "Amazing. I can see my house, in fact I can see my wife. Bloody hell, she's naked! What! there's my neighbour with her and he's naked too! Tell me friend, I have been thinking of leaving her for a while and hate my neighbour. This would make it clean and easy. How much do you charge?" The hit man responds, saying that it costs $1,000 every time he pulls the trigger. "That's fair enough and cheaper than a divorce. Take them both out", he says as he hands the rifle back to the hit man. The hit man takes back his rifle, lifts it and, with direction, focuses on the guy's house. He seems to be taking a long time before pulling firing the first shot. "So what are you waiting for?" says the impatient husband. "Can't you get a clear shot?" "Mate", says the hit-man. "If you wait a minute longer I think I can save you a thousand dollars". 2
gone_bush Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is forty cat. 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
ayou2 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 An old guy goes to the doctor and asks for some Viagra. "it's the opportunity of a lifetime Doc, I've got these two models coming over tonight, so gimme the strongest stuff you can prescribe" He goes home and takes a double dose. Three days later, he's back at the Docs. "Doc, ya gotta help me, I need some of the strongest painkillers you can prescribe" The Doc asks if his old fella is red raw from the night with the two models. "they didn't show up Doc, my wrists are killing me"
proftournesol Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 The updated 2012 world re-explained by 2 cows… Cows SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut. 3
progladyte Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) That's a classic Prof! Greece is such a killer! Edited June 12, 2012 by progladyte 1
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