com59841503560232 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Joke deleted - offensive language. DTV Forum is not to be used for telling of sexist or otherwise offensive jokes. Oops didn't think it was that bad Edited July 5, 2012 by com5984
swordfish805 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church just as the sermon is beginning. "You're not here to explain the formation of the universe, are you?" says the priest "Because if you are, you can get out now!" Replies the particle "But how can you have mass without me?"
com59841503560232 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) While we're on the religious subject: On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, written by a U.S. man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations . A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.....They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality . I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, But may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan, James M. Kauffman, Ed. D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian. Edited July 5, 2012 by com5984
mello yello Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 A Higgs boson walks into a bar, the barman asks "whats the matter?"
mello yello Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Barman says "you sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulder"
swordfish805 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 You've amassed much expertise there Mello, in fact, you're outstanding in your field!
wolster Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I walked into a Bar.. Jeez that hurt Is it possible to ban a otherwise exemplary member from the 'Joke' thread? ;-) 1
swordfish805 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 If a man speaks in a forest with no women around - is he still wrong? If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
mello yello Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) the answer to both of the above would be no testicles Edited July 6, 2012 by mello yello II
oztheatre Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 This is a great set from comedian Dane Cook http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=donBLIykVOA
com59841503560232 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 First day at school and a couple of 8 year olds were assessing their new teacher. How old d'yer reckon she is, asked lil' Johnny. Dunno said his mate, but if we can get her knickers off, we can find out. How can that help asks Johnny. Well, on the back of mine it says “8 to 10 years ".
swordfish805 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Is it just me that giggles when I hear a Finance Report that the German Dax is down? Yes
Nigel Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Alien Invaders Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big peckers... You personally are not in any danger, I just posted to say goodbye. 2
com59841503560232 Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) Deleted due to language. Edited July 7, 2012 by DTV Forum Mod Avoiding the bad language filter
DrP Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Yep - I'm CAC'ing myself! I don't have yen for these jokes.
DrP Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Yep - I'm CAC'ing myself! I don't have yen for these jokes.
Guest Willow Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Alien Invaders Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big peckers... you personally are not in any danger, I just posted to say goodbye.
progladyte Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Hubba Hubba, check out the blubber! How any female could put herself into one of those swimming costumes and parade around like that is beyond me. Do they think they are attractive? Obviously pride is not an issue at their households. Yuk! 1
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