Nude Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising' and sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.' 'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.
mcduck Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 from a book Language Most Foul page 182 Ruth Wajnryb baby says it's a good read english is unusual in including the impossible and the pleasurable.... when we wish to express extreme fury we entreat the object of our rage to undertake an anatomical impossibility, or, stranger still, to engage in one activity that is bound to give him ( sic ) more pleasure than almost anything else. can there be, when you think about it, a more improbable sentiment than ' get fcuked '? we might as well snarl. ' make a lot of money '
neuty Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Well all this talk of Swine flu across the world is just stupid. It will be all over in a matter of weeeeeeeeeeeeeeks. . . . . . . . . . . Sorry Crap Joke.
Aloysius Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but .... 2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. Has anyone else noticed this? It gets worse........ next year..... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong????
(ツ) Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 That's gold 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong???? .... we hear more ads on granny's talkback radio stations about getting it up your nose and away it goes???
50mxe20 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...... Now give me back my dog.
50mxe20 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' ANZ: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?' ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given) ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given ) After they get the fax: ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.' ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' ANZ: 'That might help.' Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.' ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
djOS Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 (edited) ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?' Pure Gold! Edited May 21, 2009 by dJOS
50mxe20 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee." Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite." Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word Bathroom at the dinner table." Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once And show us your good manners?" Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am Hoping you will get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted........
radioholic Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee." Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite." Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word Bathroom at the dinner table." Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once And show us your good manners?" Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am Hoping you will get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted........ thats cheeky!
radioholic Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Subject: Man of the HouseA husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. ?You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. ?After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' The wife replied, 'The f**king funeral director would be my first guess. true!
50mxe20 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?' 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.' 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !' 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !' 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.' 18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.' 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Guest obee Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel This morning?" Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth."
50mxe20 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 "Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth." From: Long way away Is that Perth?
Guest obee Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 From: Long way awayIs that Perth? Ha Ha - No. If I was from Perth, or even WA I would have attended the GTD's over there. I'm from the Victorian / South Aus border region - on the coast.
50mxe20 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ha Ha - No. If I was from Perth, or even WA I would have attended the GTD's over there. I'm from the Victorian / South Aus border region - on the coast. Not drinking jet fuel then!
Guest obee Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Not drinking jet fuel then! Trying to be good until Saturday night = Best mate's 50th. Live band and many many people I haven't seen for a long time. There probably will be equivalent to jet fuel there I would imagine. OMG - I may end up in Perth Sunday morning !!
50mxe20 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Trying to be good until Saturday night = Best mate's 50th.Live band and many many people I haven't seen for a long time. There probably will be equivalent to jet fuel there I would imagine. OMG - I may end up in Perth Sunday morning !! Organising a fatagram?? I got one on my 50th if memory serves me right.
Guest obee Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Organising a fatagram?? I got one on my 50th if memory serves me right. That would be cool - except I reckon we'd have to pay for one to travel at least 300Ks. Unless of course we could convince one of the more well endowed locals lasses to help out !!
50mxe20 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 English Signs from Around the World In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge , Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor's office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel , Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel , Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. A laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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