A joke for the day..........................

[Nude]

So who actually lost, Volly?

[Voltaire]

So who actually lost, Volly?

No loss just a false sense of achievement I would say.

V

[leck]

Now lets add in the concept of interest and see how that changes things ;-)

[Voltaire]

We are waiting lecky!

V

[handy steel]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

[wolster]

Hey Handysteel, there seems to be a, err, common thread in your last couple of joke posts. Anything you want to tell us? :nana

[handy steel]

Wolster,

Not really i love my wife and women, just some jokes that sometimes, at some moments seem to be true......:nana

[JeffK]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.

'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck mate. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year.'

[wolster]

Wolster,

Not really i love my wife and women, just some jokes that sometimes, at some moments seem to be true......

Agreed, like this one :nana

Twenty-six reasons to have a dog, not a wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Myer's or David Jones.

And, last but not least......

26. If a dog leaves, or you decide to go your own separate ways, it

won't take half of your stuff!!

[mcduck]

courtesy of baby

Men are like slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

[djOS]

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

That's a classic Douglas Adams quote from the HHGTTG - the quote in my sig is also one of his classics.

[handy steel]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

[Paul47]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:"Ineffective Combat

Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to"BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy

boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Australia will come end rescue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I

think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[cableconnoisseur]

An elephant asked a camel, why are your breasts on your back?'

'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face. '

Happy Thursday Folks

[Nude]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to

touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the

Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to

more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to

arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a

little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,

Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied

for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that

only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to

cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,

which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked

passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and

became hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment

of 1000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing

that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told

him to get lost.

The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder

into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

[Keith_W]

Young? Don't know how to write a love letter? Well, try this one ...

[ATTACH]8186[/ATTACH]

[Voltaire]

Young? Don't know how to write a love letter? Well, try this one ...

[ATTACH]8186[/ATTACH]

Obviously a member of the "dark side" K_W.

V:nana

[handy steel]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[cableconnoisseur]

I really liked that one, handy steel............

[handy steel]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

[radioholic]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts--something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

naughty and nasty lol:

[Voltaire]

1. Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

He suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.:popcorn:party:nana:hiccup:cool::eek:

[Kiat]

Good one Volly, My day was pretty glum today until this turned up.

[Voltaire]

Good one Volly, My day was pretty glum today until this turned up.

Sorry Kiat, what was that? I was temporally elsewhere looking for something to please the missus! I never saw that link before!

V

[handy steel]

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

Edited June 22, 2009 by handysteel