mickj1 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 1 20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.:popcorn:party:nana:hiccup:cool::eek: Hi A classic Mnsr Volly - needs to be hung, drawn and quoted - and I will if that's OK. Cheers Mick 1
wolster Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Msr. V. Most I had heard before, most were downright stupid but I still have a big grin on my face and tears rolling down my cheek. Merci. wolster
wolster Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the "United States". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish!" Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy
handy steel Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.. Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Dork(original) Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story... I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..."
Nude Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo chip. Someone has stolen tent."
handy steel Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 Italian Tomato Patch: An old Italian lived alone in Melbourne. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, Federal police agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire garden area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That next day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. I Love you, Vinnie
50mxe20 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told. "and Now take off my thong and he dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
handy steel Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"
waricle Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Three Apache squaws became pregnant all at the same time. Due to disparate socioeconomic circumstances one squaw slept on a deer hide, one slept on a bear hide and one slept on a fully important custom-made hoppo hide. The babies were all born on the same night. The squaw with the deer hide had a baby girl, the squaw on the bear hide had a baby boy and the squaw on the hippo had twins- a girl and a boy. Since twins are an exeptionally significant event in Apache society the women approached the witchdoctor for the meaning of the twins birth. The witchdoctor thought a while and announced................wait for it... Pythagoras! THE SQUAW ON THE HIPPOPOTAMUS EQUALS THE SUM OF THE SQUAWS ON THE OTHER TWO HIDES.
cableconnoisseur Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake. That percentage increases with the passage of time...........
wolster Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 A recent letter from a customer to his bank (Bank of America) said the following: "in view of the global financial crisis, if I receive a letter from you with a cheque returned due to lack of funds, would that be mine or yours?"
wolster Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 The Mechanic and the Cardiologist A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. 'So how come I make $50,000 a year and you get the really big bucks of around $500,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
50mxe20 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone ****, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the Right thing, at the Right time: PRICELESS
wolster Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.... The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.... For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again.. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
handy steel Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 A cowboy is captured by Indians and told that he can have three requests for three days before he is to be killed. On the first day the cowboy requests his horse. He whispers into the horse's ear and the horse gallops away. The next day the horse returns with a hot blonde. "What's your next request?" ask the Indians. Again the cowboy asks for his horse and whispers something into its ear. The next day the horse returns with a great looking redhead. This time the cowboy walks over to his horse and yells at him, "Posse you stupid horse, I said I want a posse."
Austen Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems." The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story... I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems..." If you're like me and your in-laws are from a certain country town, here's something you need to know......... Austen.
Austen Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Shamelessly cut 'n pasted from elsewhere.....But it was a new one for me !!! Austen. -------------------------------------------------- The Testicles of a Texas midget ached and hurt almost all the time. The midget went to his doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up on the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under the his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his "boys" were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied. "I cut two inches off the top of your Cowboy Boots."
handy steel Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 A priest walked into a barber shop in Canberra. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. A few days later, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. The next day, a politician came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 politicians at front of the door.
Voltaire Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 By all Means... MARRY! I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. > David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. > Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. > Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. > Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. > Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? > Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. > Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." > Henry Youngman "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." > Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." > James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." > Patrick Murray Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... > Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. > Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. > Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. > Milton Berle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. > Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." > Anonymous First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
50mxe20 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
handy steel Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 A young lad just received his brand new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly licensed driver. "I'll bet you're sitting back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming lad to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me all these years years."
radioholic Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Wine and Water To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine or beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh!t. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information-- I'm doing it as a public service. I must be full of **** because i dont drink wine or beer................lol oh yes i think you may be onto something.
Voltaire Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Yeh I know its old but here goes anyhooooo........................ One for all the "Python" fans, http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf V
Voltaire Posted July 18, 2009 Posted July 18, 2009 Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the Gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage; a million dollars in the bank; and 8 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana; over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio; but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
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